“The longing for a call that will never occur is the shadow behind my smile that I am struggling to even allow to appear, and even through all of the pain and tears I have no choice but to pack that shit up and persevere”
Life is but a dream and in this scene there are surely no crystal blue waters or beach chairs. My dreams use to haunt me but now it is my memories of what I call family that cause me despair. Emotionally drained and unwilling to accept the reality of the present so I store all of the pain in my personal deep dark abyss called I’m pissed. Not all memories have allowed me to keep them away as they resurface with no warning causing havoc on my tear ducts leaving puffiness and dark circles. It is my faith that keeps me going as I can feel the unexplainable forces within life pushing me closer and closer to where life is leading me. Through all this confusion I hide the pain from others because I am a fighter, a soldier, and I consider all others unlike the two most important individuals in my life that I have lost. My loved ones now live through me as they have created and molded me to be the strong woman that I am.
Even though I truly feel as if I understand this change in my life that doesn’t mean that I accept it. My problem is that I can’t accept this happening to me. What more is there to give to this scenery that is as far from placid as the reality of death is from society? The vibe of my atmosphere is created by only me and I dare not allow anyone to kill who I am. Please do not allow yourself to read between these lines as there are not any hidden messages. Only memories and heartbreak reside in those spaces for they cannot be erased or forgotten but they can be used as a stepping stool for greatness.
Today I heard that “pressure makes diamonds”. Not giving in to the spirit of defeat and doubt is what births a soldier. It’s truly as if life was restarted and I was forced to move forward while everyone else life went back to normal. This written communication is the only release I have in the presence of such a drastic transition. Emotions and characteristics that I once never knew I possessed have now emerged and the only control that I have over them are delivered via small secretions of a feeling unlike any other I’ve ever endured. Envy towards those with loved ones that I no longer have exists within my mental as the heart does not control feelings. Arrogance runs through my veins as I can no longer be broken by those that do not contribute to my well being that overlooked my ability to genuinely be humble. Sadness comes around during the worst times without warning because it is summoned by the smallest sound, smell, color, and as I hang my head MEMORIES. These memories are now all I have left to live for. Pressure not only makes diamonds. Pressure makes CHAMPIONS!
And this is my open letter.
Sincerely,
Bad Milli
P.S. " But time don't go back, it goes forward
Can't run from the pain, go towards it
Some things can't be explained, what caused it
Such a beautiful soul, so pure shit ..... Its like having your life restarted"
Rest In Heaven Momma and Daddy
