Thoughts Of A Thinker : ILL Feelings

" ILL Feelings"

"It's not until I defy all that they expected and become a complete asshole that they realize the rejection" 

I appreciate the true intentional ill feelings of me...I had a feeling something was different but I had no clue what it could be. It was like a demon in disguise on some 666 shit. Fortunately, it was in the form of a human being. What could I have done to make one feel such a way? I merely tried to help the best way I knew possible and wasn't even getting paid ....Still I stayed. Being the person that I am and having a heart of precious gold these Ill Feelings I could no longer hold. So I emailed and sent a 2 page letter and witnessed the real unfold. No reason to play the blame game and sound lame about what did it or how. Yet I am still the one in the end made out to be such a complete bitch. But that’s LIFE without a doubt.

I appreciate the true intentional ill feelings of me.... At least they had finally come out in the open for once. I had noticed them before but I like to let people be who they are. Who would have known that this inside hatred would soon manifest into a never ending night of truth. And I found out the truth that day and confronted that fucking demon anyway. I poked it with a pitch fork and exposed its true identity. I had no fear in my heart none what so ever. So I put those horrible feelings in a corner and made it known that I was very aware. Aware of the separation of feelings and lack of respect that were oh so blatant yet I continuously ignored. I’m not even sure why I let it all blow over until now but no more fronting. No more hunting for the truth. No more pretending to be something we are not. No more fucking keys without locks. Everything is clear now so I’ve stopped asking why and how! No disrespect. No hard feelings just myself coming to grip with the terms of such jealousy, maybe. So I went home and sat ...Thinking about all the possible ways I could approach this situation lightly. Then I started to get even more mad. I ranted on the phone for hours about the pro's and con's and if I was some how apart of this fake friendship I now call treason.

I appreciate the true intentional ill feelings of me....So here I sit ....Still envisioning that night and how everything went down and it still bothers my soul until this day. Here I am putting these random thoughts on paper to release my disgust. I mean who needs friends anyway huh. Especially when you’re an only child but that sounds absurd to most people. I'd rather not sit for hours and confide in myself. I'd rather not speak the ill words of dislike upon one's soul so I’d like to bring this issue to a close. I can only trust myself and even at times I question her motives too. Whether they are good or bad is up to you. It’s a world full of evil beings, dealings, and killings and I am here so these are my feelings. I express them sometimes but not often for my being is afraid of letting someone in again. Matching tattoos, fun nights looking cute with plenty of booze. Yet why do I feel so misused? I guess no one appreciates the nice, polite , and caring side of me. Its not until I defy all that they expected and become a complete asshole that they realize the rejection. So I sit here and write as " Pissed Off " plays in the background and this Isn’t even me. My normal state wants to be happy and alive. But today my ILL FEELINGS have overcome and have won this battle. I suggest I stop here to maintain my sanity and release this thought from my brain for you and HER to read someday. Friends do not exist and the more I type I get pissed. So I shall depart with the thought that we are all entitled to act as we please. Just hope one day it isn’t the enemy that you shall need!